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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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But just when I’m feelin’ all warm and fuzzy, I get a call from my boss. He’s like, “Where are you? We need more kvas!” I’m like, “Dude, I just spilled a whole batch!” He’s not havin’ it. I’m back to stress mode.

Police in Thessaloniki smash adulterated olive oil ring